Disclosure is crucial in therapy – you need to feel you can share what’s on your mind with your therapist. Here’s what you might need to start saying and why…
Disclosure is grey area. An area I have struggled to understand. As a naturally private person, I don’t tend to freely disclose parts of myself and, in some cases, when I don’t want to I won’t. My lack of disclosure has meant criticism can follow me round. The criticism has always involved honesty, or seemingly the lack of.
So what is honesty? Honesty is truth telling and avoiding deception. The opposite of honesty is lying both implicitly and explicitly. We’re taught from a young age to be honest – not to lie – and a lie is black and white (for the most part, which is a discussion for another blog).
Disclosure isn’t the same as honesty. Disclosure is offering a piece of oneself to the other and should always be a choice. People aren’t entitled to one another – it’s a privilege to know other people. If someone is interested and wants to know something, does not mean they can.
As a general rule of thumb, here’s my mark to decide whether I must disclose – I ask, does this piece of information that I know affect the other person? Have I seen my best friend’s partner smooching someone else on a night out? This information affects my friend, and therefore ought to be disclosed to them (in a very tentative way!). Did I lose my job and now can’t pay half the rent? This information affects my partner, and therefore ought to be disclosed.
At the heart of this is power. It is an abuse of power to withhold information that affects other people. Personal information that only affects oneself, on the other hand, is free to be shared or not.
But where does this leave therapy? Nothing about a client’s personal life affects the therapist and, arguably, this is how it needs to be. And a therapist, like all other people, is not entitled to know every piece of their client. In this sense, a therapist and your relationship with one, is no different to any other relationship.
Although, don’t forget, therapy does have its differences! Therapy is a deep tomb in which you can drop parts of yourself that will never see light again. How would you use the opportunity to voice something that cannot as easily be expressed elsewhere? How would you use the freedom of knowing you can disclose your most private self to a trusted person who, with only few exceptions, will never share what you want to say?
As well as this freedom to express yourself, therapy is a dress rehearsal for life. It’s the space to practise, to explore parts of yourself and learn.
What could you never say? Try to share this with your therapist. Believe me, they will be glad you spoke out. Talk bold about yourself and own how others make you feel.
Here are eight things you may not be saying to your therapist, but should…
“I feel better than ever”
How often have you been in a great party, having an ace time that you’ve had your full and want to leave but don’t know how to tell the host? Can we say words like - “I’ve had such a great time but now I’m splitting. Thank you and see you later”? The answer is – YES.
It may be awkward to say to a friend, but your therapist should be cheering you on when you say it’s time for you to say, “Thank you and see you later”. I guarantee they’re literally giddy that you’re moving on to better things! Do not feel that you must stay in therapy because you like your therapist and want to ensure they have a salary. This would create one tricky dynamic if so (and defiantly one to look into).
Also, don’t feel that being in a better place means you’re saying goodbye forever and your therapist is closing the door on you. Life is a wheel – sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. Which leads me onto my second point…
“I feel worse than ever”
The top of the wheel comes down. There is no fair reason why a person should feel embarrassed about being low. And certainly, never feel that you can’t be low with your therapist. I’m very aware some worry being low would cause people to leave them including therapists (although this would be a rubbish therapist).
“I don’t know what to say”
It is surprisingly common not to know what to say in therapy, and even more common to feel the need to say something for the sake of saying it. I’ve been there as a client – I’ve not been in the mood for therapy and talked about everything other than the reason I’m there. I’ve also spoken because I feel that’s what I should do as a client. As the therapist, I’ve listened to my clients and realised they’re talking only because they feel they must.
It's okay not to know what to say in therapy. It’s okay to be silent – as contrary as talking therapy without talking may seem. You should feel comfortable enough with your therapist that you can tell them you’re lost for direction and don’t know what to do.
The reason for not knowing what to do could lead to something deeper. Perhaps not knowing what to do in the therapy hour relates to your life outside the hour. Remember therapy is a dress rehearsal.
“This isn’t working for me”
For whatever reason(!), if you feel something is wrong in therapy or you’re not getting what you want from it, you need to share this. You have the option to walk away from therapy without reason. However, the opportunity to explain your reasons why something isn’t working for you is a gift the therapist offers you. How would it feel to share with another person the reasons why things are wrong for you? Not only this, but the relationship does not need to end. Practise sharing your ideas for change and working through them.
“I don’t like how you make me feel”
Indeed, a surprisingly difficult statement to say (politely). To say this, firstly, a person must be aware of how they feel and that they don’t like it – which already can be a huge task for some. Secondly, they must own it and know the feelings are caused by someone. Thirdly, sharing our criticism of other people tends to be through gritted teeth, unpleasant words, and behind pointed fingers.
If you don’t like how your therapist makes you feel – tell them! They will not be offended and ought to try to understand what has happened to make you feel the way you do. If they are at fault, you may even receive an apology. Therapy is a space in which to explore what it means to express your grievances in a healthy way.
“You haven’t understood”
I personally despise being misunderstood. My blood boils. Similarly to number 3 above, it can take practise to tell another they haven’t understood or that you feel misunderstood. Use the opportunity to practise this with your therapist if they misunderstand, which they no doubt will at some point (we’re only human).
“You remind me of someone else”
Your therapist may be behaving in ways, have mannerisms and look similar to someone you know. This may be nice and help therapy along. Or it may trigger you. Either way, noticing similarities in your eyes between your therapist and another may influence how you interact with your therapist. This influence actually has a technical name. It’s known as transference.
It's useful to let your therapist know that they closely remind you of another regardless of transference (that influence). This is for a couple reasons. Firstly, the person who your therapist reminds you of has a particular place for you (good or bad). That’s worth being aware of. Secondly, if the person you’re thinking of is coming into your mind during the therapy hour, are they in your mind in other ways too? Transference is not necessarily a bad thing and is arguably unavoidable. Why not share this with your therapist?
“Can I ask about you?”
We’ve all been desperate to ask our counsellor questions. The curiosity is killer. I hold the belief that your therapist should bring their whole selves to the therapy hour. Far from being a blank canvas, a therapist ought to be their coloured-in-paint-splattered-everywhere -selves that they truly are. There is no harm in asking your therapist a personal question although they may not choose to answer and can ask why you’re curious. Besides, if you’re being full disclosure why shouldn’t they be too?
Disclosure is king. The amount you choose to disclose to a person is what determines the difference between a friend and a stranger. It’s what creates meaningful relationships. As equally with all people, the relationship with your therapist is one in which the more you put in the more you get out.
What would you disclose if you knew you’d be valued? What couldn’t you yet?
Written by Lily Llewellyn
August 8th 2022
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