For many years I wanted to speak to a professional counsellor, but couldn’t afford it. While I believe a good counsellor is worth their weight in gold, the ‘more affordable’ professional can charge £35 per hour, that is, more than four times the average hourly minimum wage in the UK. The truth is counselling is not always affordable or accessible.
So, the alternative options are to off-load personal issues to friends, which isn’t always the best thing for a friendship or yourself. You may choose to read a self-help book - a genre that is having a hard time to be taken seriously at the moment.
Or, you may choose to do neither and practise counselling yourself, as in literally, being yourself as both therapist and client. And I don’t mean by simply starting to respect and accept yourself like a counsellor does – it is not that easy (boy, wouldn’t life be different if that were possible).
No, I mean by providing a way in which you can express yourself completely to yourself only. Then taking time to stand back, observe your expression and try to make sense of what you felt or went through it the moment. This is what you, as your own counsellor, can do for yourself – you can find a way to express yourself whereby you know you have the privacy and security and you can try to understand what happens to yourself in that space.
This is pretty broad so let me share how this looks for me…
Firstly...
How do you want to express yourself? I choose to express myself by writing words although you may choose to dance or shout or throw paint around or how ever is best for you. If you have not practised counselling yourself before, it’s important that you have some way of keeping hold of this expression. You want to record yourself dancing or shouting, and you want to keep hold of your paintwork, because we need this for later.
You must have a private place to express yourself and you really don’t want anybody to come and nosey at what you’re doing. Even if you trust this person, you are not interested in their comments and you don’t want to hear their positive or negative remarks: it’s never helpful and I doubt they will be able to offer any helpful insight in first glance (no offence to your friends). It’s best to keep your expression to yourself for now.
For myself, I write notes on paper for myself, although they might be ‘to’ somebody else. I write anything and everything I need to then seal the notes in an envelope. I seal the envelope because that way I know a peeking Tom hasn’t opened it. Then I keep all my notes in a secure place. I like to write on sheets of paper for two reasons. Firstly, paper copies are safer than digital copies. Secondly, I don’t like physical journals: I don’t want to carry around a book and I also have a quirky hang-up about blank pages. I feel the need to fill them and I don’t want any pressure to rush the process.
Secondly...
At this moment, I want to encourage you to express yourself fully. Say what you need no matter how vile. Shout until you loose your voice is that’s what you need. Dance and move your body in ways you didn’t know you could. This means, be uninhibited and honest with yourself. This is harder than we think.
Once you’ve expressed what you need to express take a minute. Or a day. However long you need, but don’t leave it here because you’re not finished! You haven’t counselled yourself yet!
Thirdly...
Now, you need to revisit what your expression. Read what you wrote. Watch your dance. Listen to yourself shout.
I’m going to warn you, this can be a brutal moment. Seeing yourself be honest, authentic, ugly, angry, embarrassed, in pain can be shocking and upsetting, because you may observe something completely new about yourself or you may learn the greater extent of yourself which you hadn’t quite understood the depth of before. Whatever you witness about yourself may change the way you see yourself.
Then...
After this, and when you’re ready, talk back to your prior self about what you saw and recognised. Keep a hold of these notes to yourself too so that you have both sides of the conversation with yourself (you as both therapist and client). You can write back to yourself using ‘you’ or ‘I’. A mixture of both ‘you’ and ‘I’ can work nicely. It may look at simple as this…
"I hate her. She always thinks about herself and never me. Will she ever open her eyes for one second to notice me? I just hate her so much and never want to see her again"!!!
You may write back…
"Wow, you feel really angry, don’t you – look at all those exclamation marks. This person really bothers you. She gets under your skin. But you want her to see you… I am angry. I want her to see me, maybe love me, but I also hate her right now and want distance too".
Or, you may watch back the video you took of yourself painting. And you notice that as you painted your arm was tense, your hand was squeezing the brush and you were pressing down hard. Your face was tense and you kept stretching your neck. You may say to back yourself and write...
"Gosh, what an unhappy face I pulled. I have so much tension and I looked so annoyed and I didn’t even realise”.
When you revisit yourself, stay open to yourself and don’t try to discover grand findings. You don’t need to conclude that such any moment means this or that. It may be enough to say “I sound so annoyed” or “I look like I’m fighting back tears” or “This person means to much more to me than I realised”. This is all new awareness and a way of processing.
Finally...
It’s important to do all the stages in this process. Don’t let thoughts rattle around your head thinking, “I just hate her so much and never want to see her again"!!! You must get them out, symbolised outside of you in some way. But don't stop there as no counselling has taken place yet. Look back on them (in the video, recording or by rereading), because that way you will find new insights into yourself, like - I am angry. I want her to see me, maybe love me, but I also hate her right now and want distance too.
Listening to yourself, staying open and reflecting back is where the counselling happens. It’s not easy but it is an alternative and secure way to counselling, to counselling yourself.
Written by Lily Llewellyn
September 25th 2023
Comentários