Some people hate crying! They dislike seeing others cry as much as they hate crying themselves. It can be off putting when everyone starts bawling. Yet, others feel the benefit of letting out tears and find comfort when other people shed a tear in response to something significant thats's been shared. It's hard to say how what people appreciate in others when sharing something emotional.
Can a therapist cry in response to what a client shares?
Just like everything else - it depends.
Most importantly, your therapist should be themselves around you.
It is key in a therapist's job for them to truly be themselves when they're at work, with all their faults, history, their sense of humour, the lot. There is even a technical word to describe this way in which counsellors must be their genuine, honest self - congruent. Your therapist should be congruent with you.
This means that if they are a crier - crying at babes, sheep, someone slipping, smiling or also other people crying - they shouldn't stop themselves. If they feel the need to weep, they should. This may be their way to express their care and warmth towards you.
I have been in sessions and could not help but well up - it would have been bizarre for me (and maybe for anybody) to hear the things that people have endured or lost without sharing a tear. I believe my tears made my client feel safe and sure that I cared for them. I have also had a client who was so funny, they made me cry laughing - I had to get up and get tissues! The client loved this and repeatedly retold the story of how the funny moment was a turning point for them in therapy.
Both times, albeit for different reasons with very different types of tears, were significant. Crying is a natural, human expression that can bring people together.
Yet, there are reasons a therapist shouldn't cry too.
How does your therapist cry? I'd argue this matters. Are they a weeper, with a few dabs to the eyes, or a hearty wailer? It matters because it is natural to reach out in care to a person who is wailing wholeheartedly, and your therapist shouldn't be crying in such a way that draws your attention away from your own thoughts and feelings - they shouldn't be distracting or making you want to comfort them. They must remain professional and facilitate your process. There are still boundaries that need to be in place.
If they weep, they should be weeping for the reasons you're crying (in whatever ways you choose to cry). Remember that a therapist is trying to understanding you and your life, including what you like and dislike, what has happened / happens in your life, how you feel and why? This is their attempt to understand you empathically. It's all about you during the session. A therapist shouldn't be crying for themselves or for something else you've reminded them of. You should know why they are crying.
If crying makes you uncomfortable...
But, restating what was said at the beginning of this blog, you may hate people crying. You may cringe at the sight of emotion or may feel like a burden or be pulled to switch roles and start comforting them. If any of these points apply to you and you dislike your therapist crying at something you've shared, this may be something worth reflecting on. Why does it have such a big impact on you for someone to take you in and cry? What underlies this?
In sum...
Your therapist can cry. Don't be nervous and feel guilty of this. Lean into it and accept that they are weeping for you. But, you should know why they're crying and you shouldn't feel as though they are taking the moment away from you. It's all about you and what has lead you to be in therapy.
Written by Lily Llewellyn
November 21st 2022
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