Questions are great. Both the answer and the question is full of juicy info about the other person.
It's perfectly natural to be curious about your therapist and you shouldn't be shy to ask them questions about themselves - after all, one of the main aims of therapy is to create a strong relationship without any shyness. It makes sense totally for a person to be ask questions about the person they’re going to be sharing their intimate self. Obviously the first thing going through your head is literally, "Who are you?" and "Why should I tell you about my personal, private life?" Sincerely - ask away.
Not all therapists will answer, however. Some therapists strongly subscribe to the approach of being a "blank screen" or "mirror" in therapy, so will try to remain as anonymous as possible. Yet others lean more towards the idea that the relationship between client and counsellor matters and so will (much) more likely be glad to answer questions about themselves.
Most therapists are probably somewhere in between these two camps, and it's certainly the case that each therapist will make a judgement call as to whether they'll answer particular questions. The best thing to do is to ask your therapist how comfortable they are with personal questions and make it clear you are understanding of their decision should they wish not to answer.
If they don't answer, don't take it personally.
Therapists have both professional and personal reasons for not answering
Therapist self-disclosure is appropriate as long as it’s for the benefit of the client
No therapist ever should be sitting elaborating about their personal lives just because. Cringe. Cringe. It's never okay. (If you're not sure why a therapist is sharing, ask). A therapist may not want to answer a personal question, because they don't feel there is any benefit in you knowing the answer. They've made a professional judgement call, and should say this is the reason why they won't answer.
A therapist may not want to answer and or elaborate on their answer for personal reasons.
Say, you ask if your therapist has a good relationship with their mum. And they pause and say "no" with a little sigh. Just a no and a sigh. A good therapist puts their own personal troubles to a side in a session. If a client happens to ask about a sore spot, the therapist does right to politely side step their own issue. Again, it may be for your benefit - and their own - not to start sharing.
But this doesn't mean you shouldn't ask!
Your questions are valid and relevant to therapy.
There is a possibly they will answer - and that could lead to something lovely...
You may feel closer to your therapist
You'll probably learn they are a ordinary human being (which is guaranteed anyway)
You'll feel be reassured they can be trusted
From experience - it's common for clients to start an initial therapy session with questions about me. I'm often asked, "How are you?" and "Where are you from?" I'm happy to answer. If I responded with a textbook reflection - "Where I'm from is important to you" - this not only misses an opportunity for a connection, but also blocks and creates an air of mystery and power. Not okay, because that's hardly teamwork.
Besides, I want to know what is running through your head in that initial moment.
Therapists want to know what questions are going around your head
Therapists want to explore your reason for asking the question...
This is because you could be testing things out or finding a way to know the following...
“Will You Be Able to Understand Me?”
Oftentimes a common theme running through questions is wanting to know if the other person is able to understand? Will they be able to help me? Will they cope under the weight of what I'm telling them? Will they judge me? These are valid, important concerns, and you deserve to truly feel like you're in good hands.
"Can I feel close to you?"
Wanting to know and show interest in your therapist's life is fair and even kind. Sometimes personal questions involve the wish to understand other people and have a human connection no matter how small. You might ask how their week has been or if they'll go home for Christmas, which is fair to ask. Your therapist is likely to clock this, answer briefly, then bring the focus back to you.
"Can I take the focus away from me?"
While a question in particular my not overtly say this, if questions often arrive at times where the conversation is deepening, your therapist will begin to notice a potential that you are shifting the focus away from yourself and onto them or something else. This is something to unpack, and a therapist will be sure to bring this to their client's attention.
"This topic is important to me"
The questions people ask are very relevant to themselves in some particular way and are oftentimes linked to the reasons why someone is seeking therapy. I've had clients who have asked my age (27, in case you're wondering) and later discovered age is greatly significant to them. Clients may ask if I have children (nope [all about the openness here]) and later discovered children and parenthood is hugely meaningful to them. Questions matter. After all, if the topic wasn't important, why would a person ask?
Overall, you don't need to be shy with your therapist. Even if they don't answer your question, don't worry. They are glad you asked (trust me!). Knowing what matters to you helps them to know you better and offer the best therapy for you. Ask away.
Written by Lily Llewellyn
6th March 2023
Lily is a psychotherapist trained and educated in person-centred counselling to master's level and achieved an MA in anthropology. Her areas of interest include our relationships with ourselves and others as well as the ways in which we relate to objects, such as food and money, and activities, such as shopping and work.
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