Boundaries in Counselling

There are boundaries in counselling just like there are boundaries in all relationships. A therapist's main duty is to try and keep their clients psychologically safe and well. Boundaries are the agreed ways in which the therapist will go about conducting this duty including any limitations. They are there to make sure everyone stays safe and secure in the relationship. Boundaries are great because they keep the beat - the structure, the purpose and standards of the therapeutic relationship. We love our boundaries around here.

Some aspects of this boundaried relationship will vary depending on how much each client and counsellor are willing to give. Your therapist should make their personal boundaries clear - how often are they willing to have sessions? Are they willing to keep in contact between sessions? How much of their personal lives are they willing to share? Are they willing to hug or hold your hand? Are you okay with being physically touched by your therapist too?! What are your boundaries?

Different types of therapy also have different boundaries. For instance, it is quite common in humanistic therapies that a therapist will share their thoughts and feelings regarding clients. The common phrase is - "What comes up for me when I listen to you is..." (I'm sure you've heard this line). Humanistic therapists may also embrace a client in a hug to demonstrate care and strengthened the relationship (the relationship between client and counsellor is considered to be where psychotherapy takes place). In contrast, psychoanalytic therapies tend to adopt a distance between clients and therapists for their theoretical reasons.

Boundaries can depend and vary.

Yet, also, counselling and psychotherapy do have boundaries that are well defined by the counsellor's governing body - there are distinct lines which cannot be crossed for ethical and legal reasons.

What are some of the boundaries that therapists must abide by?

• The focus should be you and your needs

Let's state the obvious first. Your therapist must keep your needs at the centre of therapy. In no circumstance should therapy become about them and healing for their wounds. Any sharing should be for your benefit with the reason made clear. With this, sessions must take place in an appropriate environment and where confidentiality can be ensured. Both you and your therapist must equally ensure you're working in a space that is calming without distractions.

• Avoid multiple relationships

We want things to be clear. When it's as clear as a crystal, we're happy. Ideally, your therapist is only your therapist. They're not also mum's friend. Not your teacher stroke therapist or gym partner slash therapist. Your needs may become less of the focus when you're also your therapist's babysitter, because your therapist is personally involved in other parts of your life. We don't want new strokes making our crystal less clear. Multiple relationships in a relationship is, well, confusing. Not ideal.

I say, "not ideal", because sometimes multiple relationships are unavoidable. Living in a small town or village, for example, sees relationships intermingling and layering. Likewise, if your neighbour is a highly recommended therapist and the only person you choose to see, what happens here? A discussion needs to happen to make sure everyone knows where they stand.

• Therapy ends in an appropriate way

Your therapist can end therapy. Although they can't ghost you, and you can ask to know why therapy will come to an end. Even after therapy has ended, your therapist must continue to uphold their respect, integrity and discretion towards you. They are still bound to their professional and personal ethics and responsibilities during any breaks in therapy and after therapy has ended. In other words, the relationship should stay 'therapist and client' even after therapy formally ends.

• Gifts are not given or exchanged during therapy

Some people are in therapy for years, on birthdays and holidays. Some therapists are near and dear to clients, and this isn't something to be feared. Can a wee gift be given? Some therapists may accept a card or flowers at the end of a long relationship. Although they shouldn't be giving gifts to you. Why do we give flowers, for example, anyway? There are social messages attached to this which vary and must be understood by both parties. Again, this can muddy the waters.

If you want to show your respect and gratitude to your therapist, tell them how much they mean to you and explore this together.

What happens when boundaries are overstepped?

By the client? Clients may overstep boundaries, and it is not always intentional. Clients may be new to therapy and need to learn the ropes. Likewise, some people are in therapy to literally learn how to be in relationships. Therapists must be reasonable to clients who overstep the boundaries, and it is their job to explain and show what the boundaries are. Having said that, should a client be consistently and intentionally overstepping boundaries - the beat the keeps therapy in check - then therapy isn't occurring and therefore the therapist may very well end the relationship.

By the therapist? Boundaries are in place for the client's best interest, however, it's not always straightforward what these are. A therapist may choose to contact a client regularly over a week (when they normally wouldn't) because they are making sure the client is safe. Alternatively, if a client is too emotional to safely leave a session and, say, travel home, the therapist may invite their client to say longer as to calm down and leave in a safe manner.

However - and it's a big however - a therapist absolutely cannot be twisting boundaries for their own benefit. As a general rule of thumb - if things feel unclear, inconsistent and overly complicated, something murky lurks. You can act on this by talking about it, ending the relationship, or even escalating the problem should it not resolve.

Overall,

Boundaries get discussed a lot in therapy. It's so SO common that people ask me what's normal and what's not in therapy, what they can and can't do with their therapist. Boundaries may vary across disciplines and even therapists, but once a boundary is set, it shouldn't be crossed. Boundaries should be explained and justified, just like everything else in therapy.

Remember: we like boundaries. Do you have crystal clear rules and limits? Wonderful. We can all enjoy the fresh air.

Written by Lily Llewellyn

November 14th 2022