As if on cue, it's so incredibly common in a first therapy session that clients say they've come along because they don't want to burden their friends and family. Of course, this is implying they are coming along to therapy so that they can unburden themselves to a therapist instead. And perfect. That is exactly what therapy is for. To go "blargh" into a space which is effectively a tomb holding words that never travel into the light.
One main reason I trained to be a counsellor was so that other people can unburden themselves in my space. But does that mean I am now burdened by my client's history, stories and trauma?
Nope.
The other main reason I trained to be a counsellor is because I am able to engage deeply with people's burdens without picking up their burdens onto my metaphorical back. In the most loving way possible, even though I'm a therapist, I don't take responsibly for other people's problems. I wouldn't have passed foundational training if I did carry other people's burdens.
But that's not why you ask
You probably know your therapist has trained to be with you during your toughest moments, they care, it's a choice they've made even though they are getting paid to do so. But that's not why you asked.
You're worried you're a burden. And that's a tough way to see yourself and a toxic, tough cycle to break out of! This is a dreadful place because most importantly you must be feeling doubtful, afraid and ashamed inside. But not also this, you won't be able to get the most out of therapy if you tone down your thoughts or feelings in order to protect your therapist.
Why would you try to protect your therapist from what you're thinking and feeling?
Some clients feel like spiky cacti keeping others at arms length - saying: "Don't come near me - I may spike you and I'm sorry. I don't want that for you". Even if you don't want to hurt others, it's not for your therapist's own good that you decide your trauma is too much for them. Even if you care about your therapist, you are not doing them any favours by not being totally honest with them. It doesn't matter that you may be your therapist's most difficult client. Plus, why would anyone get to decide what is too much for another adult. They can handle it. They really are willing to grab your spikes with both hands.
Protecting your therapist is an issue
While you may be downplaying what's happened and/or your feelings because you care about your therapist, therapy cannot work if you're shielding them. You must trust and be honest, as difficult as this may be (it is easier said than done for sure). You deserve to speak as freely and honestly as you want in therapy. Nobody can help you if they don't know what is happening. What you think of as spikes might not be as unbearably spiky to others...
Talk about how you feel with your therapist
Anywhere in between, we tend to let slid (generally). It is hard and uncommon to talk about our internal processes, but it shouldn't be this way.
In therapy you want to be able to speak about your worries. Tell your therapist you don’t want to be a difficult client, or make them stressed or upset. They should allow you to explore what’s underlying those thoughts and fears. It might feel like a big risk and be super uncomfortable but it will make your relationship stronger and make for effective therapy.
Talking is always the golden ticket
Written by Lily Llewellyn
October 24th 2022
Commentaires