I really hate to say it, but everyone has had at least one awkward moment being in therapy. One moment when you feel misunderstood or judged or when your therapist's WIFI cuts out and they try to blame the bad connection on you. I truly hope that if you've had a bad experience that it was small and relatively insignificant. Challenging at worst. For sure, therapy could go dangerously south and someone could get seriously hurt. But for the most part, I hope the experiences are minor, can be shaken off or at the very least worked through together.

The truth is - therapists could ruin therapy for a person when they most need support and are most vulnerable! And it's not okay!

Here are just six subtle ways your therapist could be ruining therapy for you that you can look out for...

1. They do not have the right space or format in place to offer therapy

The way in which therapy is conducted really matters! Being in a physical space feels very different to being online which feels different to talking on the phone. A physical space has different demands to being online - BUT all ways need to be appropriate and tailored for the job. This means a physical room needs to be secure and sound proof (and clean and cosy). Being online requires a secure platform (like Zoom or MS Teams) with fast-paced WIFI. A slow WIFI connection is a pain and can totally block good communication. If your therapist doesn't have the right infrastructure to meet with you, good therapy won't take place.

2. They don't listen or often misunderstand

A part of me feels that not listening almost shouldn't even be list because I hope it's just too obviously inappropriate. Misunderstanding is less clear than not listening, however. Let me offer an example:

A student enters and says, "I have this strong feeling like I should quit University. I get terrible grades and am an imposer here. I shouldn't be allowed here".

The therapist responds, "You feel like you can't leave University even though you want to. Who is stopping you?"

Face palm. Cringe. Everyone get up, leave and go home. I cannot cope.

This is a clear case of a counsellor not listening and totally misunderstanding! The student didn't say they want to leave. The didn't say they cannot leave. They didn't mention anybody stopping them. Naturally the student is going to close up, not trusting the counsellor with another word.

3. They assume they understand

This leads me onto another point - a therapist should not assume they understand everything that is going on in your life. Assuming is never helpful and is almost never right. An example of making assumptions is, say, someone shares that their mother just passed away and the therapist jumps in and says, "I'm so sorry! You must be missing her and grieving right now". But actually the client is trying to process the fact they actually feel glad their mother has passed because the relationship was toxic. The passing is a relief, even though they feel guilty for being relieved.

But now the client isn't going to open up about a guilt of being relieved, are they? The therapist has just assumed a person will or should grieve the loss of a parent. Awkward. Potentially damaging. Now the client feels worse.

Your therapist - even though you may want it sometimes - should never be one step ahead of you. They shouldn't assume they know how you feel or what you're going through.

4. They share their personal stories too soon

My own personal pet hate as a client in therapy. Early days in a relationship, your therapist should stay very close to you, get to know you, learn what your personal triggers are. They should let you know that you are their priority in that hour, the most important thing and that nothing, not even their own stories, will distract them. Sharing too soon takes away from your hour. It is your hour, after all. Unless you ask for it - or the relationship is well established - be aware of your therapist talking too much about their personal stories. In the beginning of therapy, it's not cool.

5. Paying them is difficult

You've just had therapy, opened up and been vulnerable and now it comes booking another session and paying (maybe for that session or for the next one). The therapist doesn't have a card machine, or can't give you change, or gets their bank details wrong and your bank is now sending you red, warning scammers notifications (this has actually happened to me with a therapist). It's awkward and unprofessional. All bad and can be easily avoided. Your therapist needs to make it easy for you to pay them.

6. They are not available

Related to number 5, your therapist needs to be available to see you. Obviously they can go on holiday or have a sick day (we can be reasonable), but if they suddenly leave you for six months to travel Australia, it's not okay. Therapists make a commitment to you when they agree to counsel you and they must honour that commitment.

Likewise, if you need an emergency appointment or send an email to rearrange a session, they should be contactable and should reply within a reasonable time frame. Once again, it's just professional and considerate. Therapists going MIA without prior warning or explanation is a big red flag!

Therapists CAN ruin therapy and clients need to know and be able to spot the signs of a misbehaving or unprofessional therapist, because therapists have power and what they do and how they treat you hugely matters.

Written by Lily Llewellyn

23rd January 2023

Lily is a psychotherapist trained and educated in person-centred counselling to master's level and achieved an MA in anthropology. Her areas of interest include our relationships with ourselves and others as well as the ways in which we relate to objects, such as food and money, and activities, such as shopping and work.